If you laugh in any way, shape, or form while reading any of this, copy and paste this post to your blog, and at the bottom, type the next number (Starting at 1, obviously) and your first name.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "Okay, now what?"
A duck walks into a toy store. He goes up to the cashier and asks, "Do you have any bread?" The cashier tells him, "No, sorry," so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back. "Do you have any bread?" he asks. "No," said the cashier. The duck leaves, but he returns the next day. "Do you have any bread?" he asks. "No!" said the cashier. "This is a toy store! We don't sell bread!" The duck leaves, and the cashier thinks she's gotten rid of him. However, the next day he comes back and asks the cashier, "Do you have any bread?" The cashier became extremely angry. "Listen," she said, "If you come back in here one more time asking me that, I'll nail your beak shut!" She pushes the duck out the door. The next day, the duck comes back and walks up the cashier. "Do you have any nails?" he asks. "No," said the cashier. "Good, then do you have any bread then?"
George Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No.” Then they said “All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.” George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”
George said “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
A mother took her 3-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do thedishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then remembering her mother was an only child, said "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,‘There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,’ or ‘That's Michael. He's a doctor.’" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
Ashley loves going on websites, and one day, she wanted to sign up for the Disney website. Ashley's mom noticed her Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," Ashley explained, "they said it has to have at least four characters."
Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said, "so you fill out the application." Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"
Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home and was greeted with a child's whisper. “Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked “Is your Mommy there?”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.” Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?” “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he's busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” the child whispered.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... “ME!”
A young girl calls her friend, who happens to be a boy, to come over because she is having trouble with a jigsaw puzzle.He gets to her house and finds the puzzle she is working on and looks at the box and lets out a long sigh and says, "Honey, the puzzle will never look like this rooster. Now let's put the corn flakes back in the box and let's watch a movie."
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? John: You told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie..... Always say, “I am.”
Millie: All right...”I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to; my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: Lenny, how do you spell 'crocodile?' Lenny: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Lenny: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a man asked the director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," the man said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Any law enacted with more than fifty words contains at least one loophole.
Evil is live spelled backwards.
God must love stupid people, he made so many of them.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
"Push" is the force exerted upon the door marked "Pull".
What some people lack in intelligence, they make up in stupidity.
There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train.
A watched pot never boils, unless you light the gas under it.
If your parents don't have kids, odds are you won't either.
Curiosity kills more mice than cats.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.
Okay...So what's the speed of dark?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity...
A decent pen: $2.99
Package of lined paper: $0.99
Knowing you have homework and "forgetting" about it: Priceless.
I'm on a mission to save the world. (I can't believe they trusted me with this)
Mirror, mirror on the wall, what the heck happened!?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
All men are animals, some just make better pets.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will?
Everyone is born right handed; only the gifted overcome it.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 12%?
Are you too gullible? We can cure you! Send $1,000 to...
My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with him.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
They call it PMS because mad cow disease was already taken.
Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.
Work for God; the retirement benefits are great.
The world needs messy people; otherwise the neat people would take over.
Remember my face; I might need an alibi later.
Hate Oz, took the shoes. Find your own way home.
I took an IQ test...The results were negative.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Make something idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Few women admit their age, fewer men act it.
Chocolate: Catnip for the feminine world.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I'm not paranoid, just terribly, terribly alert...
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I brake for...Wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!
Sometimes I think I'm a TOTAL GENIUS…Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy!.
I have half a mind to kill you and the other half agreeing.
It is said that "Home is where the heart is," so I will always have the excuse that I forgot something at home.
Don’t waste my time; I like to do that myself.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Good friends come and bail you out of jail, but best friends are sitting right there next to you saying "I can’t believe we got caught!”
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Failure is not an option; it comes bundled with Macintosh.
The dumber people think I am, the more surprised they're going to be when I kill them.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make apositive?
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Please cancel my subscription.
God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin...
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
You know you're stressed out when you can hear mimes.
You know you should go to sleep when the sheep you’re counting start to hit the fence.
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
If nobody’s perfect I must be nobody.
Remember that there is no I in team...But there is a “me” in there, if you jumble it up.
Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A penny saved is a government overlook.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.
If ignorance is bliss, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet.
I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
Don't follow in my footsteps; I walk into walls.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.
My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems.
The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote someone who is.
I may not know a lot, but I do know that a lot is two words.
The difference between a Canadian and a comedian is that the comedian gets paid for looking funny.
I was having a wonderful day before I woke up.
Using a Mac to avoid viruses is like driving through the forest to avoid traffic.
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What do you call a male ladybug?
Why do we park on a drive-way and drive on a parkway?
What happened to the first 6 UP's?
Do clowns wear really big socks?
What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
How long has cake been around? The moment it comes out of the oven, it’s new.
If Sting retired, would he be Stung?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?
Why do we say a “pair of pants” when only one article of clothing is involved?
If olive oil comes from olives, does baby oil come from babies?
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?